Memories last forever in our hearts

Sa simpleng bagay ay nagagawa ko nang maging masaya. Pero, may isang pangyayari sa buhay ko na sumubok ng katatagan ko bilang tao.

            Extended family po kaming nakatira sa bahay at isa nga po sa kasama namin sa bahay ay ang lola ko. Talagang malapit po kami ni lola dahil siya po ‘yung nag-aasikaso sa amin. Siya po ang gumigising sa umaga para ipaghanda ako, nagluluto ng ulam naming, naghahatid at nagsusundo sa akin sa eskwela noong ako’y elementarya pa lamang. Palagi po kaming nakakapag-bonding tuwing naglalakad kami papunta sa school. Kapag po may dumadaang mga magagandang sasakyan sinasabi po niya sa akin na pagbutihin ko daw po ang pag-aaral ko para balang-araw maisakay ko din daw po siya sa ganoong kagarang sasakyan. Lagi din po niya akong binibiro na ang tagal naman daw dumating ng panahon na ililibre ko siya sa tindahan ng biscuit at softdrinks. Natatawa na lang po ako kasi iniisip ko ang babaw ni lola. Isang araw, humingi po ako ng pera kay mama at nilibre ko si lola ng biscuit at softdrinks. Tinawanan niya lang po ako. Ang ibig daw po niyang sabihin ay ilibre ko siya sa unang sweldo ko, yun bang perang pinaghirapan ko na mismo.

            Mahal ko po ang lola ko kaso nga lang madalas po akong sakit ng ulo sa kanya. Madalas po kasi ay tamad ako at matigas ang ulo, siyempre bata pa hindi pa gaanong malawak ang isip ko. Yun nga lang, hindi ko sinasabi sa kanya kasi po hindi po ako sanay na pinapakita ko yung nararamdaman ko. Hanggang sa isang araw, huli na ang lahat. Nakatanggap po ng text ni mama na patay na daw po si lola sa edad na hindi pa maituturing na senior citizen. Noong mga panahong iyon ay umuwi siya ng probinsya kaya wala siya sa aming bahay. Mula sa mahimbing kong pagkakatulog, nagising po ako sa iyak ni mama. Wala na pong kailangang sabihin pa si mama sa akin noon, alam ko na po dahil sa usapan nila ni lolo sa telepono. Wala na ang lola ko. Wala na siya, ang lola kong palagi kong kasama na parang kahapon lang nakikita ko pang nakangiti. Wala na siya, hindi ko na maririnig ang boses niya. Wala na ang lola ko.

Ang hirap pong tanggapin. Ako po yung pinakamalapit na apo niya. Nagsisisi po ako sa lahat. Sayang yung oras noong nandito pa siya. Hindi ko manlang nasabi sa kanya na “La, thank you po sa lahat, sorry sa mga nagawa ko, I love you”. Kahit anong iyak ko pa sa kabaong niya, kahit ilang I love you pa sabihin ko, wala na. Hindi na niya ako maririnig. Hindi na siya makakasagot. Siguro nga po oras na niya talaga. Masaya na po siguro siya doon sa itaas kasama si Lord, wala na siyang nararamdamang sakit.

Sa totoo lang po, matagal na panahon bago kami makapag-adjust sa bagong buhay na wala siya. Pero kahit ganoon, nag-iwan naman siya ng masasayang alaala. It takes time to heal wounds. Memories last forever in our hearts. Kung mayroon man po akong lesson na natutunan sa nangyari, ito ay yung dapat tayong magpahalaga sa oras. Oo nga at nandyan pa ang mga mahal natin sa buhay, pero kahit anong oras maari silang mawala sa atin. Dapat bawat segundo pinapahalagahan. Sabihin na ang mga nais sabihin, hindi yung kailang wala na siya tsaka mo lang sasabihin. Huwag nating hintayin na tska mo lang malalaman ang halaga ng isang tao kapag nawala na siya sa iyo. We should treasure every moment. Dahil po sa pangyayaring ito, mas naging matured na po ako at lumawak na ang aking pag-iisip tungkol sa mga bagay-bagay sa mundong ito. Natutunan ko na rin pong magpahalaga sa buhay.

Everything has a purpose. This experience serves as my inspiration in life. I will apply the lessons I’ve learned to face the future. With God, I know everything would be fine if you just believe and trust Him. This experience made me stronger and defined me as a person.

-Michelle Agader

An Open Letter for My Sibling from another Mom and Dad: My Best friend

This is an open letter I dedicate to my sibling

The one who’s always there from the beginning

Sibling not by blood, but by heart and soul

Contributed a lot to my life to make me whole.

Of all my friends, that I have met,

You’re the one I won’t ever forget;

Someone who believes in me even if I don’t

I thank my lucky stars that I’m not alone.

When the waves crash on you,

I’ll appear to you out of the blue

And stay with you to be your clown

Until the rough oceans calm down.

Us drifting apart: a thought I couldn’t stand

That wouldn’t happen, something I hadn’t planned

If God would give me another life

I would still choose to be on your side.

-Michelle Agader

                                                                      

“How seems every Filipino is Related?”

Foreigners who visit the Philippines often get confused how come we have so many uncles and aunts, brothers or sisters, or in general, relatives. Sometimes to an outsider it’s like every Filipino seems related to everyone.

We, Filipinos, are taught to show respect to everyone we meet even before we learn to talk.  First of all we use the words po and opo to older people as a sign of respect. Another way of showing respect is using the words uncle or auntie, kuya or ate when talking to older people who are not even related to us. We use them when talking to jeepney drivers, sidewalk vendors, security guards and etc.

Uncle Para po!

Auntie, magkano po dito?

Kuya Guard pakibantay naman po tong bag ko o.

For an outsider this can get a bit confusing. One way to know if a Filipino is actually talking to his actual uncle or aunt is we would usually use the words Tito or Tita, but it should be noted that we could also use this for non-blood related family extensions. These are the people who are very close to our family or people who we have utang na loob to.

Utang na loob is a debt that cannot be paid with money or any material object. This debt may most usually be lifetime.  Utang na loob is created when someone does a big favor for us specially when we or our family was in a great need of help. Sometimes we may hear some statements from our parents like,

“Magmano (way of Filipinos to show respect to elders) ka kay Uncle Jhun at Auntie Bheybi mo, sila ang tumulong magpaaral sa akin noon.”

“Go bless to you Uncle Jhun and Auntie Bheybi, they were the ones who helped me in my schooling.”

 We do these things to towards people who are not even directly related to us by blood because of Utang na loob.

The Filipino value of family and appreciation can be observed through these practices. Our concept of a family is not only limited to those who are related to us by blood. We greatly consider the people who have done so much good to us as part of our families too – extended families.  Our deep appreciation of the good deeds other people have done for us and/or our family despite it being a good trait to us may sometimes be limiting.  We could not do the things we really wanted to do because they may upset or displease our extended families. We would enroll our child in a school even though we know it is not the best one there is but we only do so because one of the people who we have utang na loob to owns it. Another situation is we buy goods from a store owned by one of our extended family even though we know we can get better goods from another place but we are too afraid to upset them.

Having these traits and values in Filipino families is a good because it shows respect and gratefulness to people around us. These traits and values can create a strong bond between families inside communities therefore making them a more effective contributor of this humble nation. Despite its good effects on developing good relations between families we should not always try to please our extended families unto an extent that we are already forgetting our own families. These people have helped us some points our lives but our families have surely been there for us more than this people have.

It is good to please our so-called “uncles” and “aunts” and we should always respect them but we should never turn our backs on our families.

-Isaiah Mejia

Collectivism on the Filipino Dining Table

          Rice. Tilapia. Vegetables. Adobo. Inay. Itay. Ate. Kuya. Bunso. Your typical Filipino setting in the dining area can never be complete if one of them isn’t present. Oh, and of course, plenty of drinking water to quench the thirst and stress after answering your parents’ routinely question of, “Kamusta ang pag-aaral mo, anak?”

          The Philippines, a collectivistic country, shares a tradition with its fellow Asian and Hispanic countries: converting the dining table into a conference room. Ever wondered why eating takes so long even when the food isn’t that plenty?

Eating silently is awkward on most situations. The sound of the metal utensils clanking onto ceramic plates becomes deafening. To break this deafening silence, there will always be something to suppress the noise—via turning on the TV or kwentuhan. Sometimes, it’s both.

Another reason behind this is because everyone just wants to catch up with everyone. After a tiring weekday, inay asks how your school was, and then she asks itay something about his work. Itay asks ate if she finally has a boyfriend, and then asks kuya if he passed his exams. Bunso says something irrelevant.

          The cycle goes on a daily basis and it continues on as you create your own family.

          The ceremony all starts with inay calling (read: shouting) from the dining area, saying that dinner is ready. Everyone goes there after the second or third call, following the smell of the food. Whatever the viand is—may it be canned goods or mom’s specialty—everyone, nevertheless, gathers like it was the Last Supper. No one starts to eat unless everyone in the house is in the dining area. It is disrespectful to eat ahead.

          After one-fourth of each individual’s meal has been consumed, the talking starts. The news, weather, school, love, work, money, goals and ambitions in life—mostly anything under the sun is open to discussion on the dining table, although it is an unspoken rule to never talk about family problems while eating as it ruins everybody’s appetite.

          The discussion can last from 20 minutes to an hour or so, depending on the topic. Everyone could be done eating and would still continue to talk until they have some business to do. Drinking a glass of water ends the ceremony and it concludes the meeting.

          This kind of tradition is prevalent in most collectivistic societies as depicted by media. Collectivism is implicitly expressed by this practice as we try to connect ourselves to the other and to openly bond ourselves as a whole group. Individualistic societies also exhibit this, but let us keep in mind that the two extremes act as a spectrum and all societies are dynamic, thus collectivism and individualism can be found in different intensities in all societies. The point of this article is to recognize the essence of collectivism in the dining area, which is not exclusive to the Filipino society.

          What could be mentioned, however, is the fact that collectivistic societies do have one thing in common—everyone must start eating if and only if everyone is ready to do so.

Rudenstam, O. (2012, October 5). Individualism vs. collectivism. Retrieved May 1, 2015, from https://blogs.law.harvard.edu/orudenstam/2012/10/05/individualism-vs-collectivism/


-Myca Averion

Yayahood

The phenomenon of yayahood, a term we like to call for the social role being perform by household helpers as a substitute for the parents when they are not around, is something of prevalent in the Philippine setting.  They usually take the obligation of nurturing and taking care of the kids.

Here are our different opinions and experiences with the pervasiveness of yayahood.

“Child-rearing, an important responsibility of parents, can both be difficult and rewarding at the same time. Due to changes in lifestyle, some of these parents cannot fully commit or lack time rather in doing so. Families then hire maids to assist in daily chores which may include child-rearing. Majority would only see the advantages that this offers, but overdependence creates several disadvantages that should also be given attention. Mother-child bonding relationships may be impaired due to the presence of maids. Some studies have found that attachment begins in the womb, and women with higher levels of maternal–fetal attachment are more likely to breastfeed than those with lower levels of maternal–fetal attachment. With the absence of the mother, bottle-feeding seems to be the alternative. But then again, the attachment between the child and the mother weakens. The blame should not be put on a child when for example, given a certain situation, he/she chooses the maid over the parents, the mother in particular. Also, this does not imply that refraining from employing maids will be the correct course of action.”                            – Leah Anthea Dela Cruz

          “For some reasons, maybe for the betterment of their economic stability, some families consist of both parents working. In accordance to this, there is less time available for them to do things for their children like cooking, washing and ironing their clothes, playing with them, and such. This is when the presence of nanny is needed to do such things while the parents are not home. The thing here is the children may get more attached to their nannies than their parents since there is more bonding time between them than the latter one. The parents might also miss to witness the small details about their children growing up. Some of the relationships between mothers and nannies experiences jealousy on over-attachment between the nanny and the child. When an upset child reaches for a “shadow mother” over her real mother, how does the mother feel?

 If there is really a need that both of the parents will work for the family, then the nanny to be hired must be well-chose. What if the nanny is not well-mannered? What if your child acquires her bad manners, whether intentionally or not?” – Michelle Agader

           Growing up, my parents were away on medical missions and late night hospital duties most of the time. So I kind of grew up with my yaya she was been with our family since my mom was a teenager. She was the only one who could put me to bed when I didn’t want to and the only person who didn’t get mad when I refuse to eat my vegetables. My parents were and still are my favorite people but having my yaya made things and situations better and lighter. She was like a mother, a sister and a friend rolled into one caring and loving person. My whole family is very supportive and they gave me everything I wanted, so when our yaya was asking my parents if she could take a break because she had gotten sicker and weaker due to her age. My parents asked me fisrt, I said no, but then I realized that she gave up having her own family and having her own kids just to take good care of us. She was so selfless that she spent major holidays with my family instead of hers. Every day after a wwek that she left, I was always looking at window or spending my time at our front porch waiting for her to come back, but she never did. I got so attached to her presence, and to her hearing her hum old songs as she cooked made me smile already, so when we got a new household helper who was much younger, I didn’t get the chance to let her in. ‘Cause a person who spends almost her whole life taking care of you and making sure you’re always okay and hat you’re genuinely happy is hard to forget and absolutely hard to replace.” – Alexis Bahatan

A Mother's Sacrifice

Often we hate our parents for restricting us, embarrassing us, not giving what we want thinking they don’t love us. Here is a short story to remind us to respect and love our parents, be grateful for the things they did for us, known or unknown.

My Mom Only Had One Eye

My mom only had one eye. I hated her… She was such an embarrassment. She cooked for students and teachers to support the family.

There was this one day during elementary school where my mom came to say hello to me. I was so embarrassed.

How could she do this to me? I ignored her, threw her a hateful look and ran out. The next day at school one of my classmates said, “EEEE, your mom only has one eye!”

I wanted to bury myself. I also wanted my mom to just disappear. I confronted her that day and said, “If you’re only gonna make me a laughing stock, why don’t you just die?”

My mom did not respond… I didn’t even stop to think for a second about what I had said, because I was full of anger. I was oblivious to her feelings.

I wanted out of that house, and have nothing to do with her. So I studied real hard, got a chance to go abroad to study.

Then, I got married. I bought a house of my own. I had kids of my own. I was happy with my life, my kids and the comforts. Then one day, my Mother came to visit me. She hadn’t seen me in years and she didn’t even meet her grandchildren.

When she stood by the door, my children laughed at her, and I yelled at her for coming over uninvited. I screamed at her, “How dare you come to my house and scare my children! GET OUT OF HERE! NOW!!!”

And to this, my mother quietly answered, “Oh, I’m so sorry. I may have gotten the wrong address.” – and she disappeared out of sight.

One day, a letter regarding a school reunion came to my house. So I lied to my wife that I was going on a business trip. After the reunion, I went to the old shack just out of curiosity.

My neighbors said that she died. I did not shed a single tear. They handed me a letter that she had wanted me to have.

“My dearest son,

I think of you all the time. I’m sorry that I came to your house and scared your children.

I was so glad when I heard you were coming for the reunion. But I may not be able to even get out of bed to see you. I’m sorry that I was a constant embarrassment to you when you were growing up.

You see……..when you were very little, you got into an accident, and lost your eye. As a mother, I couldn’t stand watching you having to grow up with one eye. So I gave you mine.

I was so proud of my son who was seeing a whole new world for me, in my place, with that eye.

With all my love to you,

Your mother.”

-Unknown Author

Reference: My Mom Only Had One Eye. Retrieved April 12, 2015, from http://academictips.org/blogs/my-mom-only-had-one-eye/

Tech on Family Bonds

          It is indeed true that our new generation today is dependent on technologies. Have you ever asked yourself, could you still live without them? We know that technologies give convenience in our lives in almost every aspect in the society whether it’ll be transportation, communication, knowledge, medicine, etc. But how do technologies affect our relationships with our family members?

“8- to 18-year-olds spend an average of 7 ½ hours a day, seven days a week with media. This is not surprising since almost all of our day-to-day activities involve using some form of media. Whether we are texting on our cell phones, chatting over Facebook, or watching our favorite TV shows, we are continuously interacting with media. Hughes and Hans (2001) found that families with children are more likely to have computers and Internet access than those without children. This is a sound finding considering that the computer is a major attraction for young people and there are several aspects that could contribute to the amount of time they spend with this medium. On average, the amount of time 8- to 18-year-olds spend using the computer daily is about an hour and a half, excluding school work.”

            Children nowadays have different childhood compared to the children born on 90’s. They don’t experience much, playing Philippine games outdoor, getting exposed to the sun for a couple of hours with their fellow playmates, having wounds on their knees because of falling down while running. All they will remember when they grow up is that they played clash of clans, league of legends, and other more games. They also don’t give much time to talk to their parents and siblings because they are always in front of their laptops, tablets, or smartphones. Same thing goes through teenagers. The moment they reach home, the first thing they will do is to check their social networking accounts such as Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram. They also prefer chatting through Viber or texting in their phones instead of chitchatting with their parents on how their whole day went. The family is complete and living under one roof but it seems like there are gaps among them because of the reduced bonding moments they have.

            “While many assume that families are fed up with technology, by nearly a two-to-one ratio parents think of technology like computers, cell phones and video game systems as making their family life better rather than worse (32% to 18%). Most describe the influence as neutral (51%). Interestingly, parents are actually even more favorable toward entertainment like music, movies and television than toward technology, saying its influence is more positive than negative by a five-to-one ratio (38% versus 7%). A slim majority of parents feel entertainment is neither good nor bad (55%).”

            Technology also brings positive effects on our lives. Students might have their homework researched on the internet instantly using their laptops or other gadgets to save time and be able to have more family bonding. Siblings with their parents can play games such as Wii or Play Station altogether. The whole family can have a movie marathon quality time in their sala set with their big flat screen television. But the most important thing of all that should be given emphasis here is that you can talk to your loved ones who are not living with you but in other places which are far because of some reasons. A family that consists of an OFW member is already usual and the only way their family whose left here can communicate to their OFW parent is through technology, whether phone calls or video chats. It may not be necessarily an OFW. Let’s take this as an example: most of the students in UP Baguio came from different regions in the Philippines and they only go home maybe once a month or so. Their parents can contact them through constantly calling them or chatting on the Skype to ask how was everything going in their life.

            The point here is, technology can affect your relationships with your family. You are the one who is responsible to decide whether it will be a positive or a negative one. Recreation is not bad at all, you just need to control and know your limitations. Don’t forget that you have a life to live. You have a family to love. At the end of the day, quality time with your family is more important than any activities you have that can make you happy. As a matter of fact, technology can aid to a tighter bond among family members.

References

Villegas, Alessondra (2013) "The Influence of Technology on Family Dynamics," Proceedings of the New York State Communication Association: Vol. 2012, Article 10

How technology is influencing families. (2011). Retrieved March 22, 2015, from https://www.barna.org/family-kids-articles/488-how-technology-is-influencing-families

Let me bleed

    You got to keep your body working, your organs fully functioning, make sure you're still breathing, and nourishing yourself. Those are the only way to keep your body functioning, and alive. But it's hard to combat with the dilemmas of the mind. The psychological self. Sometimes, I can’t stop thinking about torrents of blood cascading throughout my body: strangely perforated and blood dripping on my chest, on my temple, sometimes on my throat. The savoury of sleeping, the thought of peacefully dying, not knowing that you had already died. Or morbidly, planting your head, preparing the incoming heat wave in the oven, or microwave. I also thought of myself hanging freely without feeling the pain of choking. Or jumping from a 10-story building while all my memories flash in front of my eyes. There are a thousand devices to kill the self: Guns, preferably, AK47 or a silencer, a Katana once held by a samurai, a knife for a jugulate which will produce a fountain of blood, and others that I had strangely fantasized.

     I have always idealized the best way to murder myself. Yet, I also fight myself to keep my system ongoing. I am starting to question if I'm on the verge of falling into insanity. This kind of ideation is something my parents would be shock to hear. If I told these appalling and disturbing images to my parents, I must get ready of their reactions. I know that I must get some help. Probably, get some psychotherapist before I physically attempt one of these thousand methods. But I know the first help is within me, or a help from my loving parents. Perhaps, they can shut down this brutal engine running in my brain, and ignite a spark of relief throughout my body.

     Suicide ideations, or in its worst stage: attempt, is a serious subject, and must not be a topic of joke. This is an issue of the psychological self, probably cause by some juvenile crisis, depression, or some traumatic experience. Suicide is a method of seeking relief from too much pain, or because of feeling left out and worthless. But ironically, you won't be able to feel that relief once you are dead. The family has a role to play when it comes to this situation. Here in the Philippines, some families are closely-tied together, wherein even if the offsprings are far away; they still deluge their attention with one another on keeping their relationship. For those who suffer from suicide ideations, this is something that they must remember: that families are always ready to help.   

Those sweet little balms

          Standing three feet and ten inches: playfully fuddling under the mango trees, sometimes riding my own bike, or playing hopscotch with my cousins. Childhood was something that everyone should enjoy and treasure its moments, but not everyone's memory of it is something that will invoke happiness. I believe it is an essential part of growing up, for the development of personality, progress of socialization skills, for the number of social circle, and simply for something that you would like to remember in the future; something that brings up redolence with bliss.

           In the Filipino family, coming from my observations as I observed different families in parks, parties, malls, churches, etc. Every parent has their own manner of disciplining their offspring. Of course, a popular method would be the behaviorist approach. This is where we flood the kid a series of rewards, and different incentives in order to reinforce them to do their best in something, or to properly behave in something. Unfortunately, this method has its drawbacks wherein the actions of a kid would be too impulsive because of a reward, and there would be no inner motivation from the child unless there is a prize. Another way of disciplining is something that my parents were fond of using, corporal punishments.  When I was just a child, I experienced corporal punishments, heaps of landing sticks to my palm and ass, along with amalgam of verbal and silent treatment to maximize the punishment. Well, this is something of negative reinforcement to a child, and something that can potentially harm the psyche of the kid and should only be of minimal use. Unfortunately, some kids end brutally beaten because of physical abuse wherein it can also be the cause of trauma.

        Some parents would prefer to just let a kid cry, or let his tantrums run its course until he got back on his working system.  It’s some kind of silent treatment which my mother also experimented on me. Let the kid realized what he'd done, or that he can't have this toy: it's that some sort of thing. Other wa is using mythical creatures to like ghost aka "mumu", monster, vampire. It's a method to get the attention of a child, and get them to follow you. But not every kid falls on this weak trap.

         Children are the greatest imitator. They copy what you do, how you behave, what you say, so we got to be careful. If you don't want to be a bad influence on kids, well keep out of children. But kids are a potential leaders, so they must learn, and be a good person. I think we should revise the saying: "Leave a better planet for the kids." How about "Let's leave better kids for a better planet"?

What is your ideal man/woman?

“What do you look for in a person?”

Seldom, I am asked such a question. What, indeed. Considering this query, I think of traits I would like to see in my partner. Tall, with a high-bridged nose, curious eyes, strong set jaw, heart-fluttering smile, lovely voice, witty, reliable, God-fearing, persevering, dedicated and loyal, gentle yet strong, humble and proud.

We search for partners with great characteristics, making them seemingly unrealistic. And it makes one curious, what attracts couples together? What do they see in him or her that they chose to decide a very delicate decision to be with him or her for the rest of their lives? People made efforts to answer these inquiries and made a response to the question: How do people select a mate?

Mate Selection Theories:

1.) Evolutionary Psychology – David Buss (1994) explains that attraction to mates is based on how the parents produce healthy children, which will grow up into adulthood to be passed on to the next generation (as cited in Pressnell, 1999). This theory originates from pre-historic thinking of reproduction and pro-creation. Also, it leans more to the “survival of the fittest” from Darwin’s natural selection. Females seek husbands who will stay around and provide for the family. Males look for wives who can bear him children and is intelligent as well as well-tempered to raise them.

2.) Social Homogamy – individuals are attracted to people with similar social backgrounds such as age, race, ethnicity, socioeconomic status, religion, economic and political views, etc. (Odunlami, 2013). A couple can be from different races or ethnic groups but were raised and socialized in the same society. This theory of mate selection is common in arranged marriages. These parallels help couples manage their resources efficiently and with less conflict. 

3.) Ideal Mate Theory- attraction is based on an individual’s unconscious image of an ideal partner. It reflects his or her preferences on certain traits or characteristics. Jamal (2012) states that “’love at first sight’ is therefore possible because everyone has an unconscious ideal with which they compare a person to find him or her attractive or to make the immediate judgment of the person as lovable.”

4.) Social Exchange Theory – this theory is more realistic compared to the fantasy of Ideal Mate theory. Individuals assess the resources they have to offer and the resources they would like to find in their partner. These resources include wealth, physical attractiveness, characteristics, family, social status, etc. They also look for partners which balances their shortfalls and assets. It explains why old men/women marry younger women/men and vice versa, and why a marriage with dowry makes it more desirable.

5.) Developmental Perspective – an individual has to first understand who he/she is, what their roles in life are, what they can offer and what they want from a partner before they can relate to another person. These individuals have to resolve and their identity crisis and transition to adulthood before they can be capable of an intimate relationship. Otherwise, it results to defining oneself through the relationship (Jamal, 2012). Women are more prone to outline themselves through their acquaintances while men prefer more to preserve their independence and delay commitments until their life structures are established, as suggested by Erickson and Levinson.

6.) Conflict/Feminist Theory – explains why in most societies and cultures men are older than women. It is explained that men tend to marry when they are older and have more resources and women seek older men who can better provide for offspring and also an improved lifestyle. This theory also explains the continuance of patriarchal marriages because through the age difference men can preserve their dominant status.

7.) Market Experience – individuals look for partners that compliments their judgment for a suitable mate. Dating is one of these experiences which can relate individuals to other individuals to determine the qualities desired in a potential companion in life. More dating experiences do not guarantee a successful marriage. On the contrary, meeting more people can raise the expectation of an individual to his/her partner and thus, creates more disappointments.

References:

Pressnell, F. (1999). David Buss. Psychology History. Retrieved from

http://www.dpcdsb.org/NR/rdonlyres/00CC7693-4892-45C4-8935-502694E66665/135556/2a_free_mate_select.pdf

Odunlami, T. (2013). Theories of Attraction and Mate Selection. Retrieved from https://prezi.com/rurwfmvew1dy/theories-of-attraction-and-mate-selection/

Jamal, S. (2012). Mate Selection Theories. Retrieved from

https://prezi.com/nkuforvowiha/mate-selection-theories/

(Unknown author, n.d.) [PowerPoint slides] Mate Selection Theories. Retrieved from http://teachers.wrdsb.ca/jshipp/files/2013/09/Mate-Selection-and-Loving-Theories3.pptx

(Unknown author, n.d.) [PDF] Free Choice Theories of Attraction and Mate Selection. Retrieved from http://www.dpcdsb.org/NR/rdonlyres/00CC7693-4892-45C4-8935-502694E66665/135556/2a_free_mate_select.pdf

Normalcy

     Our birth is contingent. We didn’t choose to be a girl or boy. Sometimes, we consider our life as superfluous because when you think about it, you really have no control over the access of your father’s sperms (but congratulations to you! You won 1st place!)-- to your mother’s egg cell, nor you didn’t decide on what physical characteristics you will have. So if it was another sperm (not you) had entered, a totally life had existed and probably taken your place in this world. And in the other way around, there’s no use on trying to blame the genetic shuffling of the genes of your parents for what you look like today. But no matter what arrangement a person’s shape, health, and physical appearance may be, a boy who suffers  blindness, or a girl who suffers certain cognitive delay will still be human: a human who also needs loving, caring, and protection.

      Everyone wants to have a child someday. I’m thinking about having a baby (on the future, not today) and teach him (I’m wishing for a he) to play guitar at the age of five. Sure, they can be hard to handle but it is a big challenge for everyone. Having a child feels like having someone an extension of yourself. They can be our sweetest balms, our greatest source of bliss, and our greatest gift. However, there is also tension that can happen when we plan to have a child. There are times we worry much on our baby’s condition. Not knowing what will the baby look like (unless you go have a 3D ultrasound), or thinking of his/her cognitive ability, and other health problems give a feeling of nervousness and anxiety to parents. Sometimes, we can’t help not to think and so it becomes inevitable to some.

     There are parents whose child suffers from certain disability like autism, cognitive disorders, or

has any chromosomal aberrations like Down syndrome, Patau syndrome, etc. If we try to cogitate about the emotions of the parents, what do they really feel about their children as well as what do they feel about themselves? Probably, some parents carry pain and pity for their offspring, and they eventually try to exert a great forbearance and understanding towards their child. Perhaps, some could accept it rather as a blessing especially to those who carry special talents despite their impairments. And is there any feeling of shame or being outcast seeing other families who do not burden the weight of having children who need special attentions? Putting ourselves in their shoes, there is also concern that our child might be victims of bullying and subjects of insults. We can arrive in an instant precognition that they’ll be having difficult time adjusting in different environment like in schools, and how they will take actions turning the social wheels. Just in case I end up having a child with a handicap, perhaps, the most magnificent to do is to immerse him in a different number of social spheres, including children in a perfect condition, and those who also endures disabilities; making the child feel belong and accepted.

      There are no boundaries in their potentials. Disabilities shall not impede their way into reaching their dreams. There as much plethora of possibilities that awaits them as well as people who are not differently abled. There are no divisions between normal and abnormal. We are solely humans, from our dad’s sperm and mom’s egg then to zygote to fetus to human; nothing more, only human.

In Between

I was adopted.

              What people would normally imagine is that I was put into an orphanage or the like, but my case is somewhat different, thus a little hard to understand.

              I happened to be a product of unsafe sex during my mother’s early college years. Even though my mother, at a young age, wanted to keep me, my father, whom I only know by name, wanted to abort me. Obviously, my mother chose to keep me. Because of this, she had been through tough times, following the abuse of her mother-in-law, the later separation from my father, and then she eventually got kicked out of her own home. She resorted to working as a housekeeper in a household in San Juan city, circa 1997, the same year I was born.

              The family she had worked for was kind and considerate enough to have her work there despite still being pregnant with me. My mother had a close, filial relationship with the family to the point that, when I was born and issued a birth certificate, she had agreed to use the family’s name—including the parents’—on the birth certificate.

              From what I know, she had not “given” me to them, but it was due to the fact that she cannot raise me on her own. For whatever reason it really was, I am alright with it.

              Maybe a year or so of continuing to work for the family, and numerous attempts of my mother to take me and run away from them, my mother had finally decided to completely put me under their care. She had left the household to live a new life, and a few years after, formed a family of her own, just without me.

              I lived most of my life with my new family, although more than half of that life, I had been taking them for granted. Oftentimes I found myself imagining what my life would have been if I was raised by my real mother and my father. I was hooked up into the past that never was; it was always an illusion I made to fill out the shallow gaps I had.

              With the death of my adoptive mother, I had realized how unloving a “child” I was to her, and to my adoptive family. I gave up comforting myself with an imagined past and instead embraced what I have right now: a family that chose to love and care for me even though they had the option not to.

              My mother has been into problems of her own, but up to now I still keep in touch with her. Even if I sometimes feel empty because of her absence all throughout my 18 years of living, I can never leave the person who chose to sacrifice a lot for the sake of keeping me alive. 

The House's Repose

*Just a fictional story about parental conflicts*

              There was Mommy and Daddy into a wrestle of harsh verbose talks. Good to know it wasn't of any fisticuffs but a shrill of waves ran downstairs where words only pound each their heart. If grawlix is tangible enough to fill the house, then the house would be flooded with it because of their coarseness. Good riddance is not their game; I know that for sure. But trepidation rippled all over my system ‘coz I wasn't quite sure what mess they got sunk into. I prefer not to speak of their troubles. I ain't so sure if I’m the cause of all of this, and I don’t know if I’m being a pain in the ass but I’m still frightened. Mommy told Daddy that there’s always an ocean of leeway to leave at once. Continuously, the air around them was deprived of silence and both of them still had stern look on each other. They were like dogs and cats not by brawl but by strident voices. 

         Mom got no job, and Paps’ performance rate was said getting low but he’s still in his condescending mode. More and more, they grow impatient with each other. We haven’t achieved of what they called as utopian family; I don’t think there’s no such thing. Nevertheless, what I want is happiness within us but everything turns out to be in some kind of collapse; that everything seems to breakdown. I was stuck on an emotional drudgery trying to cope up with my relationships with my parents but everything seems to be despondent.

               Another day passed, I got up from my immortally-chaotic cradle. The house was filled with silence where Mama shed tears on the floor. And Daddy was on his way to the threshold with all his packs with him. Paroxysms of pain struck my chest as I clearly saw all the detritus of their mess. Mommy revealed that Daddy got her own Cherry and a sprout of his own. I didn’t spit out a word about it. So this was how the morning would approach me: that’s what I thought at first. There was nothing good about that Saturday morning. Though the house breathe a little space of rest, I temporarily lost my appetite but sooner became insatiable with every meal. After that day, Papa never left any trails in the house. Although, he sends us financial supports arbitrarily and rarely, there was never sight of him again. 

             Today, I don’t bother to recall the violence of my memories. I just tend to keep it to myself: the emptiness caused by the absence of a father. No amount of chocolates or any other foods could replace my father’s place. My parents’ conflict has also afflicted pain in my chest, and the distress it burdened me. None of them were spoken to my friends. I am acquainted by a handful of friends yet I still feel so lonely, and sometimes I feel like some things augur pain. The past left me a huge scar in my system; all I got to do is to accept it. Yeah, life is pretty much about acceptance. 

Where Neneng is already a mother

   “A glob formed inside of her. It’s like a pillow is hidden in her dress. I wonder who touched her. Where did the temptation emanate? I wonder how her parents would react when they see that.” Sometimes, we have these thoughts when we know a girl who is soon to experience child-bearing. Yes, we have this concept of chastity, but some eventually escape from it. Probably, some of us would say that premarital sex is something of iniquity; that virginity is a thing to protect until we’re finally married while some would, perhaps, be permissive and say that making love is natural. Either way, why is unplanned pregnancy something of utmost importance for everyone to know?                        
     Data from 2008 National Demographic and Health Survey (NDHS) presented the percentage of births in the Philippines which showed that one in three births (36 percent) in the Philippines was classified as 16 percent as unwanted and the remaining 20 percent as mistimed ( http://census.gov.ph/). Since this was 7 years from now, what more today would unveil since social changes have underwent its course. The advent of social networks which enabled the world to be more exposed, and allowed us to connect easily with others; even literotica that some could eventually get hook to it; the social media which enables us to see what they offer us to see, etc. For a more recent statistics, 2014 Young Adult Fertility and Sexuality study found out that “around 14 percent of Filipino girls aged 15 to 19 are either pregnant for the first time or are already mothers – more than twice the recorded in 2002.” If this rate of teenage girls becoming mothers persists, how would it affect the Filipino family?
       Some of us would probably consider Filipinos as family-oriented which means that most of our decisions and actions are directed and guided on what our family would have to say. In the case of intercourse among teenagers, Filipino families are very restrictive on premarital sex. As Medina (2001) stressed that the Philippine Society is generally and traditionally restrictive “both in terms of the proportion of the population who experience sex outside of marriage, and in terms of the number of sex partners.” Our family is not the only restrictive one, our stratification into a religious institution also represses us to commit such sex crimes. Hence, we adhere to the values and moralities imbued to us by them: the rejection of promiscuity and early sexual relations. Thus, the result that some would call premarital sex as something ignominious to the family; that sometimes it leads to abortion, or causes the pregnant daughter to leave the house. On the other hand, there exist kindhearted families who still accept the unexpected addition to their kin. Child-bearing and nurturing is something arduous: imagine balancing your academic duties in education, family relationships, social life with peers, and, of course, pampering yourself and the baby inside of you. Besides from learning to allocate their time to different responsibilities, a negative side would be hampering their future goals, ambitions, and aspirations. Also, other problems may arise especially if the father of the child leaves her with the all responsibilities, or because of other financial incapability and family-related difficulties. So rather than with impetuous actions, some victims of this early pregnancy consult with their families in regards to decision-making, and some matter of life choices because as stated earlier, we live in a family-oriented manner.
       In addition, because a Filipino family is not just a nuclear family but can also be an extended one, the issue of teenage pregnancy among the family members is a big talk, or in other cases it even reaches and becomes the central gossip of the whole neighborhood. Hence, what every member has to say about the pregnancy could affect the pregnant daughter. Since premarital sex incessantly persists, some parents would prevent their children from being too precocious. Parents would be more stringent to their kids. Some would eventually behave their children to be more conservative, and some could assert more control to their youngsters. One of the odds is that families would choose to be more restrictive as a solution to decrease the encounters of this kind of problem.
     There are many possible ways of dropping the staggering cases of teenage and unplanned pregnancy but we suppose (as a group) and begin by this simple message: to all lass and lads, let us not be driven with carnal delectations; they only last for a short period of time (call it temporary pleasures). Wherein either if it is a vile thing to do or not, or if it mortifies yourself or not, the burden can cleave within you for a lifetime

References:
One in three births in the Philippines is unplanned. (n.d.). Retrieved February 19, 2015, from http://census.gov.ph/article/one-three-births-philippines-unplanned

der Hor, C. (2014, May 15). Teenage pregnancy among today's Filipino youth. Retrieved February 19, 2015, from http://opinion.inquirer.net/74517/teenage-pregnancy-among-todays-filipino-youth

Medina, B. (2001). The Filipino Family. Quezon City: University of the Philippines Press.