“What do you look for in a person?”
Seldom, I am asked such a question. What, indeed.
Considering this query, I think of traits I would like to see in my partner.
Tall, with a high-bridged nose, curious eyes, strong set jaw, heart-fluttering
smile, lovely voice, witty, reliable, God-fearing, persevering, dedicated and loyal,
gentle yet strong, humble and proud.
We search for partners with great characteristics, making
them seemingly unrealistic. And it makes one curious, what attracts couples
together? What do they see in him or her that they chose to decide a very
delicate decision to be with him or her for the rest of their lives? People
made efforts to answer these inquiries and made a response to the question: How
do people select a mate?
Mate Selection Theories:
1.) Evolutionary Psychology – David Buss (1994) explains
that attraction to mates is based on how the parents produce healthy children,
which will grow up into adulthood to be passed on to the next generation (as
cited in Pressnell, 1999). This theory originates from pre-historic thinking of
reproduction and pro-creation. Also, it leans more to the “survival of the
fittest” from Darwin’s natural selection. Females seek husbands who will stay
around and provide for the family. Males look for wives who can bear him
children and is intelligent as well as well-tempered to raise them.
2.) Social Homogamy – individuals are attracted to people
with similar social backgrounds such as age, race, ethnicity, socioeconomic status,
religion, economic and political views, etc. (Odunlami, 2013). A couple can be
from different races or ethnic groups but were raised and socialized in the
same society. This theory of mate selection is common in arranged marriages.
These parallels help couples manage their resources efficiently and with less
conflict.
3.) Ideal Mate Theory- attraction is based on an
individual’s unconscious image of an ideal partner. It reflects his or her
preferences on certain traits or characteristics. Jamal (2012) states that
“’love at first sight’ is therefore possible because everyone has an
unconscious ideal with which they compare a person to find him or her
attractive or to make the immediate judgment of the person as lovable.”
4.) Social Exchange Theory – this theory is more realistic
compared to the fantasy of Ideal Mate theory. Individuals assess the resources
they have to offer and the resources they would like to find in their partner.
These resources include wealth, physical attractiveness, characteristics,
family, social status, etc. They also look for partners which balances their
shortfalls and assets. It explains why old men/women marry younger women/men
and vice versa, and why a marriage with dowry makes it more desirable.
5.) Developmental Perspective – an individual has to first
understand who he/she is, what their roles in life are, what they can offer and
what they want from a partner before they can relate to another person. These
individuals have to resolve and their identity crisis and transition to
adulthood before they can be capable of an intimate relationship. Otherwise, it
results to defining oneself through the relationship (Jamal, 2012). Women are
more prone to outline themselves through their acquaintances while men prefer
more to preserve their independence and delay commitments until their life
structures are established, as suggested by Erickson and Levinson.
6.) Conflict/Feminist Theory – explains why in most
societies and cultures men are older than women. It is explained that men tend
to marry when they are older and have more resources and women seek older men
who can better provide for offspring and also an improved lifestyle. This
theory also explains the continuance of patriarchal marriages because through
the age difference men can preserve their dominant status.
7.) Market Experience – individuals look for partners that
compliments their judgment for a suitable mate. Dating is one of these
experiences which can relate individuals to other individuals to determine the
qualities desired in a potential companion in life. More dating experiences do
not guarantee a successful marriage. On the contrary, meeting more people can
raise the expectation of an individual to his/her partner and thus, creates
more disappointments.
References:
Pressnell, F. (1999). David Buss. Psychology
History. Retrieved from
http://www.dpcdsb.org/NR/rdonlyres/00CC7693-4892-45C4-8935-502694E66665/135556/2a_free_mate_select.pdf
Odunlami, T. (2013). Theories of Attraction and Mate Selection.
Retrieved from https://prezi.com/rurwfmvew1dy/theories-of-attraction-and-mate-selection/
Jamal, S. (2012). Mate Selection Theories. Retrieved from
https://prezi.com/nkuforvowiha/mate-selection-theories/
(Unknown author, n.d.) [PowerPoint slides] Mate Selection Theories.
Retrieved from http://teachers.wrdsb.ca/jshipp/files/2013/09/Mate-Selection-and-Loving-Theories3.pptx
(Unknown author, n.d.) [PDF] Free Choice Theories of Attraction and
Mate Selection. Retrieved from http://www.dpcdsb.org/NR/rdonlyres/00CC7693-4892-45C4-8935-502694E66665/135556/2a_free_mate_select.pdf
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