Let me bleed

    You got to keep your body working, your organs fully functioning, make sure you're still breathing, and nourishing yourself. Those are the only way to keep your body functioning, and alive. But it's hard to combat with the dilemmas of the mind. The psychological self. Sometimes, I can’t stop thinking about torrents of blood cascading throughout my body: strangely perforated and blood dripping on my chest, on my temple, sometimes on my throat. The savoury of sleeping, the thought of peacefully dying, not knowing that you had already died. Or morbidly, planting your head, preparing the incoming heat wave in the oven, or microwave. I also thought of myself hanging freely without feeling the pain of choking. Or jumping from a 10-story building while all my memories flash in front of my eyes. There are a thousand devices to kill the self: Guns, preferably, AK47 or a silencer, a Katana once held by a samurai, a knife for a jugulate which will produce a fountain of blood, and others that I had strangely fantasized.

     I have always idealized the best way to murder myself. Yet, I also fight myself to keep my system ongoing. I am starting to question if I'm on the verge of falling into insanity. This kind of ideation is something my parents would be shock to hear. If I told these appalling and disturbing images to my parents, I must get ready of their reactions. I know that I must get some help. Probably, get some psychotherapist before I physically attempt one of these thousand methods. But I know the first help is within me, or a help from my loving parents. Perhaps, they can shut down this brutal engine running in my brain, and ignite a spark of relief throughout my body.

     Suicide ideations, or in its worst stage: attempt, is a serious subject, and must not be a topic of joke. This is an issue of the psychological self, probably cause by some juvenile crisis, depression, or some traumatic experience. Suicide is a method of seeking relief from too much pain, or because of feeling left out and worthless. But ironically, you won't be able to feel that relief once you are dead. The family has a role to play when it comes to this situation. Here in the Philippines, some families are closely-tied together, wherein even if the offsprings are far away; they still deluge their attention with one another on keeping their relationship. For those who suffer from suicide ideations, this is something that they must remember: that families are always ready to help.