Let me bleed

    You got to keep your body working, your organs fully functioning, make sure you're still breathing, and nourishing yourself. Those are the only way to keep your body functioning, and alive. But it's hard to combat with the dilemmas of the mind. The psychological self. Sometimes, I can’t stop thinking about torrents of blood cascading throughout my body: strangely perforated and blood dripping on my chest, on my temple, sometimes on my throat. The savoury of sleeping, the thought of peacefully dying, not knowing that you had already died. Or morbidly, planting your head, preparing the incoming heat wave in the oven, or microwave. I also thought of myself hanging freely without feeling the pain of choking. Or jumping from a 10-story building while all my memories flash in front of my eyes. There are a thousand devices to kill the self: Guns, preferably, AK47 or a silencer, a Katana once held by a samurai, a knife for a jugulate which will produce a fountain of blood, and others that I had strangely fantasized.

     I have always idealized the best way to murder myself. Yet, I also fight myself to keep my system ongoing. I am starting to question if I'm on the verge of falling into insanity. This kind of ideation is something my parents would be shock to hear. If I told these appalling and disturbing images to my parents, I must get ready of their reactions. I know that I must get some help. Probably, get some psychotherapist before I physically attempt one of these thousand methods. But I know the first help is within me, or a help from my loving parents. Perhaps, they can shut down this brutal engine running in my brain, and ignite a spark of relief throughout my body.

     Suicide ideations, or in its worst stage: attempt, is a serious subject, and must not be a topic of joke. This is an issue of the psychological self, probably cause by some juvenile crisis, depression, or some traumatic experience. Suicide is a method of seeking relief from too much pain, or because of feeling left out and worthless. But ironically, you won't be able to feel that relief once you are dead. The family has a role to play when it comes to this situation. Here in the Philippines, some families are closely-tied together, wherein even if the offsprings are far away; they still deluge their attention with one another on keeping their relationship. For those who suffer from suicide ideations, this is something that they must remember: that families are always ready to help.   

Those sweet little balms

          Standing three feet and ten inches: playfully fuddling under the mango trees, sometimes riding my own bike, or playing hopscotch with my cousins. Childhood was something that everyone should enjoy and treasure its moments, but not everyone's memory of it is something that will invoke happiness. I believe it is an essential part of growing up, for the development of personality, progress of socialization skills, for the number of social circle, and simply for something that you would like to remember in the future; something that brings up redolence with bliss.

           In the Filipino family, coming from my observations as I observed different families in parks, parties, malls, churches, etc. Every parent has their own manner of disciplining their offspring. Of course, a popular method would be the behaviorist approach. This is where we flood the kid a series of rewards, and different incentives in order to reinforce them to do their best in something, or to properly behave in something. Unfortunately, this method has its drawbacks wherein the actions of a kid would be too impulsive because of a reward, and there would be no inner motivation from the child unless there is a prize. Another way of disciplining is something that my parents were fond of using, corporal punishments.  When I was just a child, I experienced corporal punishments, heaps of landing sticks to my palm and ass, along with amalgam of verbal and silent treatment to maximize the punishment. Well, this is something of negative reinforcement to a child, and something that can potentially harm the psyche of the kid and should only be of minimal use. Unfortunately, some kids end brutally beaten because of physical abuse wherein it can also be the cause of trauma.

        Some parents would prefer to just let a kid cry, or let his tantrums run its course until he got back on his working system.  It’s some kind of silent treatment which my mother also experimented on me. Let the kid realized what he'd done, or that he can't have this toy: it's that some sort of thing. Other wa is using mythical creatures to like ghost aka "mumu", monster, vampire. It's a method to get the attention of a child, and get them to follow you. But not every kid falls on this weak trap.

         Children are the greatest imitator. They copy what you do, how you behave, what you say, so we got to be careful. If you don't want to be a bad influence on kids, well keep out of children. But kids are a potential leaders, so they must learn, and be a good person. I think we should revise the saying: "Leave a better planet for the kids." How about "Let's leave better kids for a better planet"?

What is your ideal man/woman?

“What do you look for in a person?”

Seldom, I am asked such a question. What, indeed. Considering this query, I think of traits I would like to see in my partner. Tall, with a high-bridged nose, curious eyes, strong set jaw, heart-fluttering smile, lovely voice, witty, reliable, God-fearing, persevering, dedicated and loyal, gentle yet strong, humble and proud.

We search for partners with great characteristics, making them seemingly unrealistic. And it makes one curious, what attracts couples together? What do they see in him or her that they chose to decide a very delicate decision to be with him or her for the rest of their lives? People made efforts to answer these inquiries and made a response to the question: How do people select a mate?

Mate Selection Theories:

1.) Evolutionary Psychology – David Buss (1994) explains that attraction to mates is based on how the parents produce healthy children, which will grow up into adulthood to be passed on to the next generation (as cited in Pressnell, 1999). This theory originates from pre-historic thinking of reproduction and pro-creation. Also, it leans more to the “survival of the fittest” from Darwin’s natural selection. Females seek husbands who will stay around and provide for the family. Males look for wives who can bear him children and is intelligent as well as well-tempered to raise them.

2.) Social Homogamy – individuals are attracted to people with similar social backgrounds such as age, race, ethnicity, socioeconomic status, religion, economic and political views, etc. (Odunlami, 2013). A couple can be from different races or ethnic groups but were raised and socialized in the same society. This theory of mate selection is common in arranged marriages. These parallels help couples manage their resources efficiently and with less conflict. 

3.) Ideal Mate Theory- attraction is based on an individual’s unconscious image of an ideal partner. It reflects his or her preferences on certain traits or characteristics. Jamal (2012) states that “’love at first sight’ is therefore possible because everyone has an unconscious ideal with which they compare a person to find him or her attractive or to make the immediate judgment of the person as lovable.”

4.) Social Exchange Theory – this theory is more realistic compared to the fantasy of Ideal Mate theory. Individuals assess the resources they have to offer and the resources they would like to find in their partner. These resources include wealth, physical attractiveness, characteristics, family, social status, etc. They also look for partners which balances their shortfalls and assets. It explains why old men/women marry younger women/men and vice versa, and why a marriage with dowry makes it more desirable.

5.) Developmental Perspective – an individual has to first understand who he/she is, what their roles in life are, what they can offer and what they want from a partner before they can relate to another person. These individuals have to resolve and their identity crisis and transition to adulthood before they can be capable of an intimate relationship. Otherwise, it results to defining oneself through the relationship (Jamal, 2012). Women are more prone to outline themselves through their acquaintances while men prefer more to preserve their independence and delay commitments until their life structures are established, as suggested by Erickson and Levinson.

6.) Conflict/Feminist Theory – explains why in most societies and cultures men are older than women. It is explained that men tend to marry when they are older and have more resources and women seek older men who can better provide for offspring and also an improved lifestyle. This theory also explains the continuance of patriarchal marriages because through the age difference men can preserve their dominant status.

7.) Market Experience – individuals look for partners that compliments their judgment for a suitable mate. Dating is one of these experiences which can relate individuals to other individuals to determine the qualities desired in a potential companion in life. More dating experiences do not guarantee a successful marriage. On the contrary, meeting more people can raise the expectation of an individual to his/her partner and thus, creates more disappointments.

References:

Pressnell, F. (1999). David Buss. Psychology History. Retrieved from

http://www.dpcdsb.org/NR/rdonlyres/00CC7693-4892-45C4-8935-502694E66665/135556/2a_free_mate_select.pdf

Odunlami, T. (2013). Theories of Attraction and Mate Selection. Retrieved from https://prezi.com/rurwfmvew1dy/theories-of-attraction-and-mate-selection/

Jamal, S. (2012). Mate Selection Theories. Retrieved from

https://prezi.com/nkuforvowiha/mate-selection-theories/

(Unknown author, n.d.) [PowerPoint slides] Mate Selection Theories. Retrieved from http://teachers.wrdsb.ca/jshipp/files/2013/09/Mate-Selection-and-Loving-Theories3.pptx

(Unknown author, n.d.) [PDF] Free Choice Theories of Attraction and Mate Selection. Retrieved from http://www.dpcdsb.org/NR/rdonlyres/00CC7693-4892-45C4-8935-502694E66665/135556/2a_free_mate_select.pdf

Normalcy

     Our birth is contingent. We didn’t choose to be a girl or boy. Sometimes, we consider our life as superfluous because when you think about it, you really have no control over the access of your father’s sperms (but congratulations to you! You won 1st place!)-- to your mother’s egg cell, nor you didn’t decide on what physical characteristics you will have. So if it was another sperm (not you) had entered, a totally life had existed and probably taken your place in this world. And in the other way around, there’s no use on trying to blame the genetic shuffling of the genes of your parents for what you look like today. But no matter what arrangement a person’s shape, health, and physical appearance may be, a boy who suffers  blindness, or a girl who suffers certain cognitive delay will still be human: a human who also needs loving, caring, and protection.

      Everyone wants to have a child someday. I’m thinking about having a baby (on the future, not today) and teach him (I’m wishing for a he) to play guitar at the age of five. Sure, they can be hard to handle but it is a big challenge for everyone. Having a child feels like having someone an extension of yourself. They can be our sweetest balms, our greatest source of bliss, and our greatest gift. However, there is also tension that can happen when we plan to have a child. There are times we worry much on our baby’s condition. Not knowing what will the baby look like (unless you go have a 3D ultrasound), or thinking of his/her cognitive ability, and other health problems give a feeling of nervousness and anxiety to parents. Sometimes, we can’t help not to think and so it becomes inevitable to some.

     There are parents whose child suffers from certain disability like autism, cognitive disorders, or

has any chromosomal aberrations like Down syndrome, Patau syndrome, etc. If we try to cogitate about the emotions of the parents, what do they really feel about their children as well as what do they feel about themselves? Probably, some parents carry pain and pity for their offspring, and they eventually try to exert a great forbearance and understanding towards their child. Perhaps, some could accept it rather as a blessing especially to those who carry special talents despite their impairments. And is there any feeling of shame or being outcast seeing other families who do not burden the weight of having children who need special attentions? Putting ourselves in their shoes, there is also concern that our child might be victims of bullying and subjects of insults. We can arrive in an instant precognition that they’ll be having difficult time adjusting in different environment like in schools, and how they will take actions turning the social wheels. Just in case I end up having a child with a handicap, perhaps, the most magnificent to do is to immerse him in a different number of social spheres, including children in a perfect condition, and those who also endures disabilities; making the child feel belong and accepted.

      There are no boundaries in their potentials. Disabilities shall not impede their way into reaching their dreams. There as much plethora of possibilities that awaits them as well as people who are not differently abled. There are no divisions between normal and abnormal. We are solely humans, from our dad’s sperm and mom’s egg then to zygote to fetus to human; nothing more, only human.

In Between

I was adopted.

              What people would normally imagine is that I was put into an orphanage or the like, but my case is somewhat different, thus a little hard to understand.

              I happened to be a product of unsafe sex during my mother’s early college years. Even though my mother, at a young age, wanted to keep me, my father, whom I only know by name, wanted to abort me. Obviously, my mother chose to keep me. Because of this, she had been through tough times, following the abuse of her mother-in-law, the later separation from my father, and then she eventually got kicked out of her own home. She resorted to working as a housekeeper in a household in San Juan city, circa 1997, the same year I was born.

              The family she had worked for was kind and considerate enough to have her work there despite still being pregnant with me. My mother had a close, filial relationship with the family to the point that, when I was born and issued a birth certificate, she had agreed to use the family’s name—including the parents’—on the birth certificate.

              From what I know, she had not “given” me to them, but it was due to the fact that she cannot raise me on her own. For whatever reason it really was, I am alright with it.

              Maybe a year or so of continuing to work for the family, and numerous attempts of my mother to take me and run away from them, my mother had finally decided to completely put me under their care. She had left the household to live a new life, and a few years after, formed a family of her own, just without me.

              I lived most of my life with my new family, although more than half of that life, I had been taking them for granted. Oftentimes I found myself imagining what my life would have been if I was raised by my real mother and my father. I was hooked up into the past that never was; it was always an illusion I made to fill out the shallow gaps I had.

              With the death of my adoptive mother, I had realized how unloving a “child” I was to her, and to my adoptive family. I gave up comforting myself with an imagined past and instead embraced what I have right now: a family that chose to love and care for me even though they had the option not to.

              My mother has been into problems of her own, but up to now I still keep in touch with her. Even if I sometimes feel empty because of her absence all throughout my 18 years of living, I can never leave the person who chose to sacrifice a lot for the sake of keeping me alive. 

The House's Repose

*Just a fictional story about parental conflicts*

              There was Mommy and Daddy into a wrestle of harsh verbose talks. Good to know it wasn't of any fisticuffs but a shrill of waves ran downstairs where words only pound each their heart. If grawlix is tangible enough to fill the house, then the house would be flooded with it because of their coarseness. Good riddance is not their game; I know that for sure. But trepidation rippled all over my system ‘coz I wasn't quite sure what mess they got sunk into. I prefer not to speak of their troubles. I ain't so sure if I’m the cause of all of this, and I don’t know if I’m being a pain in the ass but I’m still frightened. Mommy told Daddy that there’s always an ocean of leeway to leave at once. Continuously, the air around them was deprived of silence and both of them still had stern look on each other. They were like dogs and cats not by brawl but by strident voices. 

         Mom got no job, and Paps’ performance rate was said getting low but he’s still in his condescending mode. More and more, they grow impatient with each other. We haven’t achieved of what they called as utopian family; I don’t think there’s no such thing. Nevertheless, what I want is happiness within us but everything turns out to be in some kind of collapse; that everything seems to breakdown. I was stuck on an emotional drudgery trying to cope up with my relationships with my parents but everything seems to be despondent.

               Another day passed, I got up from my immortally-chaotic cradle. The house was filled with silence where Mama shed tears on the floor. And Daddy was on his way to the threshold with all his packs with him. Paroxysms of pain struck my chest as I clearly saw all the detritus of their mess. Mommy revealed that Daddy got her own Cherry and a sprout of his own. I didn’t spit out a word about it. So this was how the morning would approach me: that’s what I thought at first. There was nothing good about that Saturday morning. Though the house breathe a little space of rest, I temporarily lost my appetite but sooner became insatiable with every meal. After that day, Papa never left any trails in the house. Although, he sends us financial supports arbitrarily and rarely, there was never sight of him again. 

             Today, I don’t bother to recall the violence of my memories. I just tend to keep it to myself: the emptiness caused by the absence of a father. No amount of chocolates or any other foods could replace my father’s place. My parents’ conflict has also afflicted pain in my chest, and the distress it burdened me. None of them were spoken to my friends. I am acquainted by a handful of friends yet I still feel so lonely, and sometimes I feel like some things augur pain. The past left me a huge scar in my system; all I got to do is to accept it. Yeah, life is pretty much about acceptance. 

Where Neneng is already a mother

   “A glob formed inside of her. It’s like a pillow is hidden in her dress. I wonder who touched her. Where did the temptation emanate? I wonder how her parents would react when they see that.” Sometimes, we have these thoughts when we know a girl who is soon to experience child-bearing. Yes, we have this concept of chastity, but some eventually escape from it. Probably, some of us would say that premarital sex is something of iniquity; that virginity is a thing to protect until we’re finally married while some would, perhaps, be permissive and say that making love is natural. Either way, why is unplanned pregnancy something of utmost importance for everyone to know?                        
     Data from 2008 National Demographic and Health Survey (NDHS) presented the percentage of births in the Philippines which showed that one in three births (36 percent) in the Philippines was classified as 16 percent as unwanted and the remaining 20 percent as mistimed ( http://census.gov.ph/). Since this was 7 years from now, what more today would unveil since social changes have underwent its course. The advent of social networks which enabled the world to be more exposed, and allowed us to connect easily with others; even literotica that some could eventually get hook to it; the social media which enables us to see what they offer us to see, etc. For a more recent statistics, 2014 Young Adult Fertility and Sexuality study found out that “around 14 percent of Filipino girls aged 15 to 19 are either pregnant for the first time or are already mothers – more than twice the recorded in 2002.” If this rate of teenage girls becoming mothers persists, how would it affect the Filipino family?
       Some of us would probably consider Filipinos as family-oriented which means that most of our decisions and actions are directed and guided on what our family would have to say. In the case of intercourse among teenagers, Filipino families are very restrictive on premarital sex. As Medina (2001) stressed that the Philippine Society is generally and traditionally restrictive “both in terms of the proportion of the population who experience sex outside of marriage, and in terms of the number of sex partners.” Our family is not the only restrictive one, our stratification into a religious institution also represses us to commit such sex crimes. Hence, we adhere to the values and moralities imbued to us by them: the rejection of promiscuity and early sexual relations. Thus, the result that some would call premarital sex as something ignominious to the family; that sometimes it leads to abortion, or causes the pregnant daughter to leave the house. On the other hand, there exist kindhearted families who still accept the unexpected addition to their kin. Child-bearing and nurturing is something arduous: imagine balancing your academic duties in education, family relationships, social life with peers, and, of course, pampering yourself and the baby inside of you. Besides from learning to allocate their time to different responsibilities, a negative side would be hampering their future goals, ambitions, and aspirations. Also, other problems may arise especially if the father of the child leaves her with the all responsibilities, or because of other financial incapability and family-related difficulties. So rather than with impetuous actions, some victims of this early pregnancy consult with their families in regards to decision-making, and some matter of life choices because as stated earlier, we live in a family-oriented manner.
       In addition, because a Filipino family is not just a nuclear family but can also be an extended one, the issue of teenage pregnancy among the family members is a big talk, or in other cases it even reaches and becomes the central gossip of the whole neighborhood. Hence, what every member has to say about the pregnancy could affect the pregnant daughter. Since premarital sex incessantly persists, some parents would prevent their children from being too precocious. Parents would be more stringent to their kids. Some would eventually behave their children to be more conservative, and some could assert more control to their youngsters. One of the odds is that families would choose to be more restrictive as a solution to decrease the encounters of this kind of problem.
     There are many possible ways of dropping the staggering cases of teenage and unplanned pregnancy but we suppose (as a group) and begin by this simple message: to all lass and lads, let us not be driven with carnal delectations; they only last for a short period of time (call it temporary pleasures). Wherein either if it is a vile thing to do or not, or if it mortifies yourself or not, the burden can cleave within you for a lifetime

References:
One in three births in the Philippines is unplanned. (n.d.). Retrieved February 19, 2015, from http://census.gov.ph/article/one-three-births-philippines-unplanned

der Hor, C. (2014, May 15). Teenage pregnancy among today's Filipino youth. Retrieved February 19, 2015, from http://opinion.inquirer.net/74517/teenage-pregnancy-among-todays-filipino-youth

Medina, B. (2001). The Filipino Family. Quezon City: University of the Philippines Press.