Yayahood

The phenomenon of yayahood, a term we like to call for the social role being perform by household helpers as a substitute for the parents when they are not around, is something of prevalent in the Philippine setting.  They usually take the obligation of nurturing and taking care of the kids.

Here are our different opinions and experiences with the pervasiveness of yayahood.

“Child-rearing, an important responsibility of parents, can both be difficult and rewarding at the same time. Due to changes in lifestyle, some of these parents cannot fully commit or lack time rather in doing so. Families then hire maids to assist in daily chores which may include child-rearing. Majority would only see the advantages that this offers, but overdependence creates several disadvantages that should also be given attention. Mother-child bonding relationships may be impaired due to the presence of maids. Some studies have found that attachment begins in the womb, and women with higher levels of maternal–fetal attachment are more likely to breastfeed than those with lower levels of maternal–fetal attachment. With the absence of the mother, bottle-feeding seems to be the alternative. But then again, the attachment between the child and the mother weakens. The blame should not be put on a child when for example, given a certain situation, he/she chooses the maid over the parents, the mother in particular. Also, this does not imply that refraining from employing maids will be the correct course of action.”                            – Leah Anthea Dela Cruz

          “For some reasons, maybe for the betterment of their economic stability, some families consist of both parents working. In accordance to this, there is less time available for them to do things for their children like cooking, washing and ironing their clothes, playing with them, and such. This is when the presence of nanny is needed to do such things while the parents are not home. The thing here is the children may get more attached to their nannies than their parents since there is more bonding time between them than the latter one. The parents might also miss to witness the small details about their children growing up. Some of the relationships between mothers and nannies experiences jealousy on over-attachment between the nanny and the child. When an upset child reaches for a “shadow mother” over her real mother, how does the mother feel?

 If there is really a need that both of the parents will work for the family, then the nanny to be hired must be well-chose. What if the nanny is not well-mannered? What if your child acquires her bad manners, whether intentionally or not?” – Michelle Agader

           Growing up, my parents were away on medical missions and late night hospital duties most of the time. So I kind of grew up with my yaya she was been with our family since my mom was a teenager. She was the only one who could put me to bed when I didn’t want to and the only person who didn’t get mad when I refuse to eat my vegetables. My parents were and still are my favorite people but having my yaya made things and situations better and lighter. She was like a mother, a sister and a friend rolled into one caring and loving person. My whole family is very supportive and they gave me everything I wanted, so when our yaya was asking my parents if she could take a break because she had gotten sicker and weaker due to her age. My parents asked me fisrt, I said no, but then I realized that she gave up having her own family and having her own kids just to take good care of us. She was so selfless that she spent major holidays with my family instead of hers. Every day after a wwek that she left, I was always looking at window or spending my time at our front porch waiting for her to come back, but she never did. I got so attached to her presence, and to her hearing her hum old songs as she cooked made me smile already, so when we got a new household helper who was much younger, I didn’t get the chance to let her in. ‘Cause a person who spends almost her whole life taking care of you and making sure you’re always okay and hat you’re genuinely happy is hard to forget and absolutely hard to replace.” – Alexis Bahatan

A Mother's Sacrifice

Often we hate our parents for restricting us, embarrassing us, not giving what we want thinking they don’t love us. Here is a short story to remind us to respect and love our parents, be grateful for the things they did for us, known or unknown.

My Mom Only Had One Eye

My mom only had one eye. I hated her… She was such an embarrassment. She cooked for students and teachers to support the family.

There was this one day during elementary school where my mom came to say hello to me. I was so embarrassed.

How could she do this to me? I ignored her, threw her a hateful look and ran out. The next day at school one of my classmates said, “EEEE, your mom only has one eye!”

I wanted to bury myself. I also wanted my mom to just disappear. I confronted her that day and said, “If you’re only gonna make me a laughing stock, why don’t you just die?”

My mom did not respond… I didn’t even stop to think for a second about what I had said, because I was full of anger. I was oblivious to her feelings.

I wanted out of that house, and have nothing to do with her. So I studied real hard, got a chance to go abroad to study.

Then, I got married. I bought a house of my own. I had kids of my own. I was happy with my life, my kids and the comforts. Then one day, my Mother came to visit me. She hadn’t seen me in years and she didn’t even meet her grandchildren.

When she stood by the door, my children laughed at her, and I yelled at her for coming over uninvited. I screamed at her, “How dare you come to my house and scare my children! GET OUT OF HERE! NOW!!!”

And to this, my mother quietly answered, “Oh, I’m so sorry. I may have gotten the wrong address.” – and she disappeared out of sight.

One day, a letter regarding a school reunion came to my house. So I lied to my wife that I was going on a business trip. After the reunion, I went to the old shack just out of curiosity.

My neighbors said that she died. I did not shed a single tear. They handed me a letter that she had wanted me to have.

“My dearest son,

I think of you all the time. I’m sorry that I came to your house and scared your children.

I was so glad when I heard you were coming for the reunion. But I may not be able to even get out of bed to see you. I’m sorry that I was a constant embarrassment to you when you were growing up.

You see……..when you were very little, you got into an accident, and lost your eye. As a mother, I couldn’t stand watching you having to grow up with one eye. So I gave you mine.

I was so proud of my son who was seeing a whole new world for me, in my place, with that eye.

With all my love to you,

Your mother.”

-Unknown Author

Reference: My Mom Only Had One Eye. Retrieved April 12, 2015, from http://academictips.org/blogs/my-mom-only-had-one-eye/

Tech on Family Bonds

          It is indeed true that our new generation today is dependent on technologies. Have you ever asked yourself, could you still live without them? We know that technologies give convenience in our lives in almost every aspect in the society whether it’ll be transportation, communication, knowledge, medicine, etc. But how do technologies affect our relationships with our family members?

“8- to 18-year-olds spend an average of 7 ½ hours a day, seven days a week with media. This is not surprising since almost all of our day-to-day activities involve using some form of media. Whether we are texting on our cell phones, chatting over Facebook, or watching our favorite TV shows, we are continuously interacting with media. Hughes and Hans (2001) found that families with children are more likely to have computers and Internet access than those without children. This is a sound finding considering that the computer is a major attraction for young people and there are several aspects that could contribute to the amount of time they spend with this medium. On average, the amount of time 8- to 18-year-olds spend using the computer daily is about an hour and a half, excluding school work.”

            Children nowadays have different childhood compared to the children born on 90’s. They don’t experience much, playing Philippine games outdoor, getting exposed to the sun for a couple of hours with their fellow playmates, having wounds on their knees because of falling down while running. All they will remember when they grow up is that they played clash of clans, league of legends, and other more games. They also don’t give much time to talk to their parents and siblings because they are always in front of their laptops, tablets, or smartphones. Same thing goes through teenagers. The moment they reach home, the first thing they will do is to check their social networking accounts such as Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram. They also prefer chatting through Viber or texting in their phones instead of chitchatting with their parents on how their whole day went. The family is complete and living under one roof but it seems like there are gaps among them because of the reduced bonding moments they have.

            “While many assume that families are fed up with technology, by nearly a two-to-one ratio parents think of technology like computers, cell phones and video game systems as making their family life better rather than worse (32% to 18%). Most describe the influence as neutral (51%). Interestingly, parents are actually even more favorable toward entertainment like music, movies and television than toward technology, saying its influence is more positive than negative by a five-to-one ratio (38% versus 7%). A slim majority of parents feel entertainment is neither good nor bad (55%).”

            Technology also brings positive effects on our lives. Students might have their homework researched on the internet instantly using their laptops or other gadgets to save time and be able to have more family bonding. Siblings with their parents can play games such as Wii or Play Station altogether. The whole family can have a movie marathon quality time in their sala set with their big flat screen television. But the most important thing of all that should be given emphasis here is that you can talk to your loved ones who are not living with you but in other places which are far because of some reasons. A family that consists of an OFW member is already usual and the only way their family whose left here can communicate to their OFW parent is through technology, whether phone calls or video chats. It may not be necessarily an OFW. Let’s take this as an example: most of the students in UP Baguio came from different regions in the Philippines and they only go home maybe once a month or so. Their parents can contact them through constantly calling them or chatting on the Skype to ask how was everything going in their life.

            The point here is, technology can affect your relationships with your family. You are the one who is responsible to decide whether it will be a positive or a negative one. Recreation is not bad at all, you just need to control and know your limitations. Don’t forget that you have a life to live. You have a family to love. At the end of the day, quality time with your family is more important than any activities you have that can make you happy. As a matter of fact, technology can aid to a tighter bond among family members.

References

Villegas, Alessondra (2013) "The Influence of Technology on Family Dynamics," Proceedings of the New York State Communication Association: Vol. 2012, Article 10

How technology is influencing families. (2011). Retrieved March 22, 2015, from https://www.barna.org/family-kids-articles/488-how-technology-is-influencing-families

Let me bleed

    You got to keep your body working, your organs fully functioning, make sure you're still breathing, and nourishing yourself. Those are the only way to keep your body functioning, and alive. But it's hard to combat with the dilemmas of the mind. The psychological self. Sometimes, I can’t stop thinking about torrents of blood cascading throughout my body: strangely perforated and blood dripping on my chest, on my temple, sometimes on my throat. The savoury of sleeping, the thought of peacefully dying, not knowing that you had already died. Or morbidly, planting your head, preparing the incoming heat wave in the oven, or microwave. I also thought of myself hanging freely without feeling the pain of choking. Or jumping from a 10-story building while all my memories flash in front of my eyes. There are a thousand devices to kill the self: Guns, preferably, AK47 or a silencer, a Katana once held by a samurai, a knife for a jugulate which will produce a fountain of blood, and others that I had strangely fantasized.

     I have always idealized the best way to murder myself. Yet, I also fight myself to keep my system ongoing. I am starting to question if I'm on the verge of falling into insanity. This kind of ideation is something my parents would be shock to hear. If I told these appalling and disturbing images to my parents, I must get ready of their reactions. I know that I must get some help. Probably, get some psychotherapist before I physically attempt one of these thousand methods. But I know the first help is within me, or a help from my loving parents. Perhaps, they can shut down this brutal engine running in my brain, and ignite a spark of relief throughout my body.

     Suicide ideations, or in its worst stage: attempt, is a serious subject, and must not be a topic of joke. This is an issue of the psychological self, probably cause by some juvenile crisis, depression, or some traumatic experience. Suicide is a method of seeking relief from too much pain, or because of feeling left out and worthless. But ironically, you won't be able to feel that relief once you are dead. The family has a role to play when it comes to this situation. Here in the Philippines, some families are closely-tied together, wherein even if the offsprings are far away; they still deluge their attention with one another on keeping their relationship. For those who suffer from suicide ideations, this is something that they must remember: that families are always ready to help.   

Those sweet little balms

          Standing three feet and ten inches: playfully fuddling under the mango trees, sometimes riding my own bike, or playing hopscotch with my cousins. Childhood was something that everyone should enjoy and treasure its moments, but not everyone's memory of it is something that will invoke happiness. I believe it is an essential part of growing up, for the development of personality, progress of socialization skills, for the number of social circle, and simply for something that you would like to remember in the future; something that brings up redolence with bliss.

           In the Filipino family, coming from my observations as I observed different families in parks, parties, malls, churches, etc. Every parent has their own manner of disciplining their offspring. Of course, a popular method would be the behaviorist approach. This is where we flood the kid a series of rewards, and different incentives in order to reinforce them to do their best in something, or to properly behave in something. Unfortunately, this method has its drawbacks wherein the actions of a kid would be too impulsive because of a reward, and there would be no inner motivation from the child unless there is a prize. Another way of disciplining is something that my parents were fond of using, corporal punishments.  When I was just a child, I experienced corporal punishments, heaps of landing sticks to my palm and ass, along with amalgam of verbal and silent treatment to maximize the punishment. Well, this is something of negative reinforcement to a child, and something that can potentially harm the psyche of the kid and should only be of minimal use. Unfortunately, some kids end brutally beaten because of physical abuse wherein it can also be the cause of trauma.

        Some parents would prefer to just let a kid cry, or let his tantrums run its course until he got back on his working system.  It’s some kind of silent treatment which my mother also experimented on me. Let the kid realized what he'd done, or that he can't have this toy: it's that some sort of thing. Other wa is using mythical creatures to like ghost aka "mumu", monster, vampire. It's a method to get the attention of a child, and get them to follow you. But not every kid falls on this weak trap.

         Children are the greatest imitator. They copy what you do, how you behave, what you say, so we got to be careful. If you don't want to be a bad influence on kids, well keep out of children. But kids are a potential leaders, so they must learn, and be a good person. I think we should revise the saying: "Leave a better planet for the kids." How about "Let's leave better kids for a better planet"?