What is your ideal man/woman?

“What do you look for in a person?”

Seldom, I am asked such a question. What, indeed. Considering this query, I think of traits I would like to see in my partner. Tall, with a high-bridged nose, curious eyes, strong set jaw, heart-fluttering smile, lovely voice, witty, reliable, God-fearing, persevering, dedicated and loyal, gentle yet strong, humble and proud.

We search for partners with great characteristics, making them seemingly unrealistic. And it makes one curious, what attracts couples together? What do they see in him or her that they chose to decide a very delicate decision to be with him or her for the rest of their lives? People made efforts to answer these inquiries and made a response to the question: How do people select a mate?

Mate Selection Theories:

1.) Evolutionary Psychology – David Buss (1994) explains that attraction to mates is based on how the parents produce healthy children, which will grow up into adulthood to be passed on to the next generation (as cited in Pressnell, 1999). This theory originates from pre-historic thinking of reproduction and pro-creation. Also, it leans more to the “survival of the fittest” from Darwin’s natural selection. Females seek husbands who will stay around and provide for the family. Males look for wives who can bear him children and is intelligent as well as well-tempered to raise them.

2.) Social Homogamy – individuals are attracted to people with similar social backgrounds such as age, race, ethnicity, socioeconomic status, religion, economic and political views, etc. (Odunlami, 2013). A couple can be from different races or ethnic groups but were raised and socialized in the same society. This theory of mate selection is common in arranged marriages. These parallels help couples manage their resources efficiently and with less conflict. 

3.) Ideal Mate Theory- attraction is based on an individual’s unconscious image of an ideal partner. It reflects his or her preferences on certain traits or characteristics. Jamal (2012) states that “’love at first sight’ is therefore possible because everyone has an unconscious ideal with which they compare a person to find him or her attractive or to make the immediate judgment of the person as lovable.”

4.) Social Exchange Theory – this theory is more realistic compared to the fantasy of Ideal Mate theory. Individuals assess the resources they have to offer and the resources they would like to find in their partner. These resources include wealth, physical attractiveness, characteristics, family, social status, etc. They also look for partners which balances their shortfalls and assets. It explains why old men/women marry younger women/men and vice versa, and why a marriage with dowry makes it more desirable.

5.) Developmental Perspective – an individual has to first understand who he/she is, what their roles in life are, what they can offer and what they want from a partner before they can relate to another person. These individuals have to resolve and their identity crisis and transition to adulthood before they can be capable of an intimate relationship. Otherwise, it results to defining oneself through the relationship (Jamal, 2012). Women are more prone to outline themselves through their acquaintances while men prefer more to preserve their independence and delay commitments until their life structures are established, as suggested by Erickson and Levinson.

6.) Conflict/Feminist Theory – explains why in most societies and cultures men are older than women. It is explained that men tend to marry when they are older and have more resources and women seek older men who can better provide for offspring and also an improved lifestyle. This theory also explains the continuance of patriarchal marriages because through the age difference men can preserve their dominant status.

7.) Market Experience – individuals look for partners that compliments their judgment for a suitable mate. Dating is one of these experiences which can relate individuals to other individuals to determine the qualities desired in a potential companion in life. More dating experiences do not guarantee a successful marriage. On the contrary, meeting more people can raise the expectation of an individual to his/her partner and thus, creates more disappointments.

References:

Pressnell, F. (1999). David Buss. Psychology History. Retrieved from

http://www.dpcdsb.org/NR/rdonlyres/00CC7693-4892-45C4-8935-502694E66665/135556/2a_free_mate_select.pdf

Odunlami, T. (2013). Theories of Attraction and Mate Selection. Retrieved from https://prezi.com/rurwfmvew1dy/theories-of-attraction-and-mate-selection/

Jamal, S. (2012). Mate Selection Theories. Retrieved from

https://prezi.com/nkuforvowiha/mate-selection-theories/

(Unknown author, n.d.) [PowerPoint slides] Mate Selection Theories. Retrieved from http://teachers.wrdsb.ca/jshipp/files/2013/09/Mate-Selection-and-Loving-Theories3.pptx

(Unknown author, n.d.) [PDF] Free Choice Theories of Attraction and Mate Selection. Retrieved from http://www.dpcdsb.org/NR/rdonlyres/00CC7693-4892-45C4-8935-502694E66665/135556/2a_free_mate_select.pdf

Normalcy

     Our birth is contingent. We didn’t choose to be a girl or boy. Sometimes, we consider our life as superfluous because when you think about it, you really have no control over the access of your father’s sperms (but congratulations to you! You won 1st place!)-- to your mother’s egg cell, nor you didn’t decide on what physical characteristics you will have. So if it was another sperm (not you) had entered, a totally life had existed and probably taken your place in this world. And in the other way around, there’s no use on trying to blame the genetic shuffling of the genes of your parents for what you look like today. But no matter what arrangement a person’s shape, health, and physical appearance may be, a boy who suffers  blindness, or a girl who suffers certain cognitive delay will still be human: a human who also needs loving, caring, and protection.

      Everyone wants to have a child someday. I’m thinking about having a baby (on the future, not today) and teach him (I’m wishing for a he) to play guitar at the age of five. Sure, they can be hard to handle but it is a big challenge for everyone. Having a child feels like having someone an extension of yourself. They can be our sweetest balms, our greatest source of bliss, and our greatest gift. However, there is also tension that can happen when we plan to have a child. There are times we worry much on our baby’s condition. Not knowing what will the baby look like (unless you go have a 3D ultrasound), or thinking of his/her cognitive ability, and other health problems give a feeling of nervousness and anxiety to parents. Sometimes, we can’t help not to think and so it becomes inevitable to some.

     There are parents whose child suffers from certain disability like autism, cognitive disorders, or

has any chromosomal aberrations like Down syndrome, Patau syndrome, etc. If we try to cogitate about the emotions of the parents, what do they really feel about their children as well as what do they feel about themselves? Probably, some parents carry pain and pity for their offspring, and they eventually try to exert a great forbearance and understanding towards their child. Perhaps, some could accept it rather as a blessing especially to those who carry special talents despite their impairments. And is there any feeling of shame or being outcast seeing other families who do not burden the weight of having children who need special attentions? Putting ourselves in their shoes, there is also concern that our child might be victims of bullying and subjects of insults. We can arrive in an instant precognition that they’ll be having difficult time adjusting in different environment like in schools, and how they will take actions turning the social wheels. Just in case I end up having a child with a handicap, perhaps, the most magnificent to do is to immerse him in a different number of social spheres, including children in a perfect condition, and those who also endures disabilities; making the child feel belong and accepted.

      There are no boundaries in their potentials. Disabilities shall not impede their way into reaching their dreams. There as much plethora of possibilities that awaits them as well as people who are not differently abled. There are no divisions between normal and abnormal. We are solely humans, from our dad’s sperm and mom’s egg then to zygote to fetus to human; nothing more, only human.

In Between

I was adopted.

              What people would normally imagine is that I was put into an orphanage or the like, but my case is somewhat different, thus a little hard to understand.

              I happened to be a product of unsafe sex during my mother’s early college years. Even though my mother, at a young age, wanted to keep me, my father, whom I only know by name, wanted to abort me. Obviously, my mother chose to keep me. Because of this, she had been through tough times, following the abuse of her mother-in-law, the later separation from my father, and then she eventually got kicked out of her own home. She resorted to working as a housekeeper in a household in San Juan city, circa 1997, the same year I was born.

              The family she had worked for was kind and considerate enough to have her work there despite still being pregnant with me. My mother had a close, filial relationship with the family to the point that, when I was born and issued a birth certificate, she had agreed to use the family’s name—including the parents’—on the birth certificate.

              From what I know, she had not “given” me to them, but it was due to the fact that she cannot raise me on her own. For whatever reason it really was, I am alright with it.

              Maybe a year or so of continuing to work for the family, and numerous attempts of my mother to take me and run away from them, my mother had finally decided to completely put me under their care. She had left the household to live a new life, and a few years after, formed a family of her own, just without me.

              I lived most of my life with my new family, although more than half of that life, I had been taking them for granted. Oftentimes I found myself imagining what my life would have been if I was raised by my real mother and my father. I was hooked up into the past that never was; it was always an illusion I made to fill out the shallow gaps I had.

              With the death of my adoptive mother, I had realized how unloving a “child” I was to her, and to my adoptive family. I gave up comforting myself with an imagined past and instead embraced what I have right now: a family that chose to love and care for me even though they had the option not to.

              My mother has been into problems of her own, but up to now I still keep in touch with her. Even if I sometimes feel empty because of her absence all throughout my 18 years of living, I can never leave the person who chose to sacrifice a lot for the sake of keeping me alive.